Sorry I've been hibernating for a while. I guess I just wasn't at a point where I felt like I could express myself just kind of openly to everyone.
I have trust issues.
I'm human.
I recently heard that when you love someone, you trust them. You let them in, and not just on your terms. Even as I'm writing this, I'm learning. I'm just kind of letting my hands do the writing for my heart because if my mind has a part in this, ya, it will be just like the past few months.
So, not on my terms, I want to let you in.
Brent's suicide attempt really took a toll on me. I love my brother. Even though we haven't really been involved in each other's daily life in a while, I still think about him and can't imagine a life without him being there.
Another one of my emotions was anger. When I first found out, I was in a state of shock and I couldn't really comprehend it. About an hour later, I finally got a hold of Jeremy, and as soon as I had to tell him it hit me. Like a punch to the chest. I couldn't do anything but cry. A few moments later, though, I had to be with my grandma and I didn't want her to have to take care of me, so I put on my amor and became strong once again for the family. The last thing I felt like they needed was the other Compton kid to have to worry about. Brent needed all of their focus, all of their prayers, and the last thing I needed to do was be a basket-case. When Jeremy found out, he immediately came to the hospital and met us there. He was definitely a God-send. He was able to let me cry and let me hurt without my feeling guilty. Because, he was there for me. He was there to help me through it in a way that no one was able to.
So, back to my being angry.
Brent called me that night (and I hadn't heard from him in a few weeks) and we talked about meaningless things. I even got him to help me out with some homework. It was definitely not "last words" kind of talk. Ok, so of course I was mad at him for trying to take my brother away from me (a TOTALLY normal reaction with suicide attempt family members) but I was also so mad at myself that I almost missed my chance to tell him how much I love him. How much he means to me, and how I would miss him. I'm not ready to lose him, not now. We still have so much of life to live!
Not long after that (within like 2 weeks) our family was hit with another tradgedy. Two of Dad's employees were killed in an automobile accident. The person responsible was actually street racing someone and didn't slow down fast enough.
When I found out Ken was killed, I was hit again. This is someone that spent so much time with my family, that I saw like everyday when I worked at livewell during the summers. The thing that I missed with Ken is that I never got the chance to tell him how much he meant to me. I don't know why he did, but while Brent was living in Waco, he kind of adopted me as a little sister. I still remember the last time I saw him and it makes me so sad that I can't go back to that moment and tell him. Tell him that I really did care about him and that he was someone special in my life, even though it was only for a season.
It's not that he was my best friend, it's just that I never got that chance. I missed it. I miss it.
So, as I'm sitting here typing this blog, I'm crying, my throat is starting to hurt, and I hope that I haven't taken too much time out of your day. I guess I just needed to let it out.
To Whom it May Concern:
I love you and you mean something to me.
Brittany
